I think I may have forgotten how to love.

Sounds stupid and dumb, but sadly it’s true. 

There was a man in my life six years ago that gave me everything I needed; I thought it was everything I needed. He was my sanctuary when I was depressed, but at the same time could manage to draw those same emotions from me. He would make me smile but yet can make tears flow down my face at the same time. He would hold me tight when I needed stability but would also push me away for me to learn too spread my wings. 

I seriously thought at that moment that he was the perfect one for me. But of course, no one but God is perfect; he had his flaws. 

He would become too close with my ex-best (girl) friends and I would get jealous. I’m not the type to easily get jealous or angry at some stupid reason, but I had a reason to be jealous, or in this case: angry. He would use the excuse of his brother staying over at my ex-best friend’s house to stay over as well. A guy and a girl. In the same house. Anyone would think that something had to have happened. Adding the fact that the guy did in fact have a girlfriend at the time would probably end up with one conclusion: he cheated. 

I didn’t go accusing him right away, but that event seemed to have opened a can of worms. Slowly, I began to learn that he had been lying to me about the various things about his life. Such as:

a) have never smoked a cigarette before. Lie: he had kept telling my friends he had stopped smoking for me knowing I had asthma. (Sweet, but no, I saw him smoking with some of his friends a few times)

b) I was his first girlfriend. Lie: found pictures of him and another girl from the past.

c) never had a “crush” on any of my friends. Lie: ex-best friend told me they had a tiny bit of a thing before we started. (Still don’t know till this day if this is reliable)

We broke up, got back together, broke up again, got back together again, and have finally for the last time, broken up. Even though he caused so much hurt and pain in my life, he also brought me happiness and joy. He taught me that it is possible to love someone this much it hurts. Watching him walk out of my life was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had to experience. He was my best friend, my joy, my love. He was so much a part of me that it felt as if I had lost a limb. 

Since then, none of my relationships felt the same. I was never able to let my whole heart go as I did with him. I had fear in dating men, fear that they would all be the same. So God, please, let me learn how to set myself free again because I have lost the ability to trust and to believe that things happening in my life are real and true.

I have forgotten how to let my heart follow its desires.

I have forgotten how to love.