As Christians, we’re always supposed to believe and trust that God has His plan for us. His perfect plan for every single one of our lives is already mapped out, planned out, and just waiting to unfold through our actions. It’s hard to completely let yourself go and follow God’s plans though. There’s always this lingering fear inside of our hearts that never allows us to be entirely calm and feel that God’s plan will work out. We’re human, and because we’re human, we have emotions and feelings that will sway our decisions and choices in life. But bringing our thoughts and faith back to God and His intentions for us will never cease to allow us to relax and believe that everything will be O.K.
For the past three years of my life, I’ve been in love with one of my close friends. Such that I didn’t even realize until my other close friends pointed out that I rarely jump from one guy to another guy within months. And that I was only doing so because I desperately needed to forget about him. It is hard though, and I still find it challenging to not have him run through my mind at least 5 billion times a day.
Because it is he who brought me back to Christ.
I met him during an international internship, where we were introduced through a mutual friend. At the time, I didn’t know he was Christian, nor have I attended church for the past 5 years. But his philosophies, thoughts, and view on life just left me dumbfounded. I felt that this person, whoever he was, was an amazing man. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with. And soon after returning back home, I started to attend church again, a suggestion by another close friend. And slowly I began to immerse my life back to Christ. I soon found out that the guy I was so head-over-heels for was also a Christian and realized that it was God’s intent for me to meet a Christian guy and fall for him. He was the first Christian guy I liked, and the first guy I could see myself marrying.
Whether it was timing, emotions, or other things in God’s plan for us, we have never been in love with one another at the same time. Though we had moments where we held hands, called each other nicknames, hugged, supported each other, we never shared our “moment”. And now, he’s leaving for his post-graduate degree in another country, while I continue on with my life here.
I shed tears for him, four times. More than any of the times I’ve shed tears for my ex-boyfriends and he was never even any more than a friend. I can’t bear to watch him go without some closure. I’m afraid my heart will always return back to him, no matter where he is in the world. So I told him, he cannot hold my hand, call me nicknames, say out loud to me that he cares about me a lot, because all those things will allow my mind to wander and believe that we still have a chance. I told him that at one point I thought of terminating our friendship, where I wouldn’t allow myself to talk to him, see him, or hear him. But this would be much more devastating, losing a close friend I’ve had who’s supported me through many triumphs.
So instead, I told him to tell me: he will never like me, and that we will never happen.
He told me he couldn’t tell me through the phone and has to see my face to face to discuss this ‘problem’ that we have faced time and time again. I have to admit that there is a part of me that wishes he will not tell me we will never happen. And that his love for me equates to my love for him. But yet, I have to force myself to face the reality of the situation, the reality where he will tell me we will never be together, and that he does not like me.
I don’t know what God’s plans are for us, and why He is making me go through this constant issue with this guy. But I believe God has His plans for me. Even if I don’t understand now, He will reveal His reasons to me further down my road in life. I used to think God’s perfect plan for me was one where I would have all the things I want now, but I realize that’s not the case.
God’s perfect plan for me is one where He knows what is best for me, one where He knows me better than I know myself. And thus, His plan for me is far greater and better than the one I would want for myself.