But I am a Christian.

Romans 8:28 states: all things work together for good for those who love God

While speaking to one of my mentors today, she pointed out that this phrase is well known to many Christians but is often interpreted in various ways. She told me that the ‘all’ in this phrase doesn’t only refer to ‘good things’. Being a Christian and believing in Christ doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen to us. Good things, bad things, horrible things, amazing things, they all happen to us in life. But ALL these things work towards the good; even the bad things. 

God often places obstacles and challenges in our life and in the spur of the moment we’ll think that they’re bad things. Events that occur that make our lives harder. But all these events are God’s messages to us teaching us something new, allowing us to grow as humans and to grow in our faith. 

For the past few months, I’ve been struggling with many aspects of my life. As a Christian, I’m supposed to live life a certain way, think a certain way, and have my mind think a certain way. But i’m also scientific, and think with a lot of logic before I make decisions. Looking at how my Christian friends live their lives, I constantly think to myself: Ah, wouldn’t it be awesome if I were to be able to live my life just like them? Being faithful to God and doing everything in the name of God? And then I look at my non-Christian friends, and think: If only I could live life freely, unbounded by these ‘rules’ we have as a Christian and just enjoy life. 

Most of my best friends are non-Christian and many of the times when I have problems I would talk to them. Because I know they will give me the honest truth and what is best for me. They will not sugarcoat their words to make me feel better or tell me to ‘be patient and pray’. Because half the time when I do pray, I have no idea what God wants to say to me. And I hate it when people don’t say anything and tell me to pray because that is what I’ve been doing this whole. freaking. time. 

Many people have told me before that I can lead a Christian life and still be happy. But what I’ve always imagined my life to be is nothing like how a Christian SHOULD live. I want to be able to spend nights cuddling with my S.O. in bed. I want to be able to go out partying with my friends. I want to be able to flirt with guys and not worry about how my Christian friends see me. I want to be able to date non-Christians because they allow me to view life in a different way and open my eyes to the many wonderful things in the world. 

I feel horrible sometimes thinking that sometimes I wish I wasn’t Christian because then I’ll be able to make my own decisions without having to be judged by my fellow Christian peers, or being told that ‘God would not approve’. 

But I am Christian, and I’m slowly dying inside restricting myself to what I want to do compared to what I should do. I think I’m going to go insane.I feel like I’m being torn in many directions on how I live my life. So God, please help me. 

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