“Never love someone more than they love you.”
A friend had advised me that a couple years ago, and to this day, he still reminds me every time I potentially see someone as more than a friend. He doesn’t tell me this to encourage playing ‘hard to get’, but to allow me to protect myself, my emotions, and my heart.
A couple years ago I fell in love with one of my best friends. We were perfect soul mates. We are both engineers, had the same interests, believed in the same faith, and had common goals. I gave him so much of me, my time, my emotions, my energy and most of all, my heart. I most definitely loved him, and at the time thought I would spend the rest of my life with him.
Of course, things didn’t go the way I anticipated and we never lived out that dream. He moved out of the country for his career and education while I was staying in the city where we both grew up in. We went through 2 years of “dating” and 1 year of long distance until I realized I couldn’t handle the situation any longer. He was not ready to start a relationship, and I couldn’t deal with his indecisiveness in letting me know if we were ever going to be anything.
Letting go of him took me a long time. The past year was spent on rebuilding me and improving on myself; focusing on just myself. Right when I thought I was able to fully handle an incoming potential into my life, the memories of what we had together begin to creep back into my mind and allow my brain to slowly form a protective cage around my emotions, my heart.
What if this man is the same? What if even after he told me his feelings for me were real and his intentions are to date me, he realizes he’s not ready and once again throws me onto the curb to wait for another three years.
I’m not ready to allow my barriers to be taken down, I’m not ready to give my feelings away because I’m afraid .
I’m afraid of what we will or will not become.