Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. A long-awaited, but needed, discussion on our relationship finally occurred and we reached a conclusion: right now is not the time. Although the feelings are still there, your family and career were priority right now. We had this discussion before where you had told me that you need a few years to work hard to support your family, your parents, and your sister. You needed to be the breadwinner of the family, and it was something you cannot escape from. Regardless of what I said, I knew the conclusion would turn out to be the same. You asked me to continue to be good friends; not the kind that message once in a while and see each other once a year, but the ones that actually talk and communicate and catch up often. That is, if I don’t mind. My mind had already told me to say no, but the words “I don’t mind” came out of my mouth as if my heart took over. I didn’t want to lose this relationship we already have.
As usual, timing was not on our side. Maybe if we had met a few years later, you would have an established career, and we would be able to spend more time with each other. Regardless of what our future looks like, I still thank you for allowing me to fall for you. You showed me that it is still possible for me to fall for someone else.
On another note, I am going to be a God-Mother.
I see that you work long hours. I see that you’re busy. Your messages to me are not as frequent any more and we don’t see each other as often. It seems as if when you have time you just want to stay home and rest.
I, too, see those signs.
But at the same time, you message me every day. You tell me what you are up to. And when I sounded a bit upset, you said you would try to finish up work so we could do something. I hold onto these as hope, and develop patience. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you do still have feelings for me, and that you do want to work towards a relationship with me.
I’m not your girlfriend, nor have we ever established what we were. That also gives me no authority to demand for your time, or bring up the fact that I want to see you. But I’m holding on to the little bit that we had and hoping that you are still with me. I just need reassurance. I need validation. I just want to know if you’re still in.
You meet each other for the first time and your conversations flow well. You’re in the honeymoon period. Text messages fill your inbox and you try to reply as fast as you can then place the phone down waiting for another message from him. It’s a vicious cycle.
The relationship grows enough for him to express his feelings for you, that he likes you. Your heart explodes from the excitement and happiness of the news and you can’t sleep for days. You’re happy, he’s happy, everything is good.
He becomes busy with work, and the two of you spend less time together. You start to doubt yourself, you doubt the amount he cares for you. You’re afraid he doesn’t feel the same as before. You bring this up to him and ask him what his thoughts are on what you are and where your relationship stands while stating that you understand that he has been busy with work as well.
You make yourself vulnerable to accept whatever is coming your way but he puts the pause button on your feelings: “Let me get back to you on that. I need some time to recollect my thoughts.”
So now you sit here. Waiting. Giving him time to think. Giving him space to think. Meanwhile giving yourself to think about what you want.
I don’t want to fall in love, if you don’t want to try. But all that I’ve been thinking of, is maybe that you might. -Jessie Ware