Season for singles

As a believer of Christ, I spend every Christmas Eve at church surrounded by some of my closest friends learning about our Lord and how He sent His son to die for us. Year after year we “celebrate” His birth and then I return home to celebrate with my family and closer family friends. We then proceed to spend the night watching movies, playing games, or updating each other on our lives. This used to be one of my most favourite “holidays” of the year. I love seeing all my friends and families and seeing everyone smile while talking about the wonderful, amazing, atrocious, crazy, whirlwind of a year that just passed.

But all this gets a little bit tougher when I see couples walking side by side on the streets. I see them cuddling on the park benches while admiring the glistening snow or taking pictures together to commemorate the moments they spend with each other appreciating the bright light displays around the city.

I wish you can be here with me. I wish that you will keep me warm and we can admire the bright lights together with our fingers interlocked. I wish we can go for walks together again in the cool nights of our city. I wish I can hear your voice, your laughter, and see your face, your smile.

Regardless of how much time passes, I continue to pray for your success in your career. I pray for you to take care of yourself and stay healthy during busy seasons of work. I pray that you will take a break from work and spend time with the family you work so hard for.

I pray that you will take a moment just to think of me.

I thought I saw you

It’s been a month since we declared our strictly friendship relationship. I was doing well with forgetting the short, but amazing, time we had together. Never once had any man make me feel the way that you did; it was also the first time that we both had to let go because of external reasons and not because one fell out of love with the other.

The other day I was walking along a busy street in the busiest part of the city and I thought I saw you. My natural reaction was to turn the other way and run. But realistically, I was already late for my event and needed to seriously make some progress on walking in the cold semi-winter weather. Somehow, I let myself look towards your direction again, to try to confirm it really was you.

My heart raced, just like the day you told me you fell for me. The cautious glance in your direction again allowed me to confirm that it wasn’t you, it couldn’t possibly be you. I was unsure, but my heart felt excitement, relief, sadness, then confusion all within 1 split second.

Why? Is it because I can’t believe we aren’t romantically involved any more?  Was it because I couldn’t comprehend the situation? Or that I  couldn’t understand how God would allow me to let you go?

Or is it simply because I’m thinking of you, and I miss you.

Never let go

When something positive happens in my life, you’re the first one I want to share it with. When I become pessimistic and can’t climb out of the hole I fall into, you’re the only one who can pull me back out. When you struggle to stand back up, I want to be able to support you and lift you up. When I feel alone and have no target, you give me a purpose to continue.

You’re my soul mate, a best friend whom I can’t live without; I know this because we tried. We tried not talking for days, weeks, or even months at a time. But we eventually give in and can’t resist picking up our phones to call or sending a message to each other. I wonder every second of every day why God has placed you in my life only to not allow us to be together. I pray that one day we can build on what we had started and continue our relationship.

The people who say “it doesn’t matter if you’re with them or not as long as they’re happy” are wrong. When you truly love them, you would want to be with them through every up and every down. Every single second of every single day. Because when you truly love them, you have no other choice but to hold on.

Time Happens

My grandpa is 87 years old this year. He’s ultra healthy considering the other seniors in his age group. He drives, cooks for himself, takes care of my grandma and on top of all that, bakes cakes/desserts like a boss. I remember the last time he boasted how healthy he was considering his age: “I’m 75 years old and can still wrestle tigers like a boss, don’t you worry about me.” But on Saturday when I saw him lying on the hospital bed, post-colon surgery, I noticed how much he has changed, and I am beginning to worry. From his first colon surgery up until now, he had lost a total of 20 lbs. 20 lbs might not sound a lot, but for a senior, it is quite a bit. His face, arms, and neck just seemed to have a bit more wrinkles. His voice was softer and less solid.

While I am wanting to quickly grow up and become an adult, the people around me are experiencing the same time shift as me. As I age a year, gain more wisdom, knowledge and world experience, my grandparents are equally gaining a year, fighting through old people sicknesses and battling with their worn out bodies. And for the first time, I want time to stop. I no longer want to grow older; I no longer want my grandparents to age.

Granpapa, I miss the version of you that could whisk me up into the air without losing his breath. I want you to be able to teach me how to make the world’s best tasting bread again. I wish to see you plant all your favourite trees, shrubs, and flowers in our garden again.

I just want you to be healthy again.