I am not OK

Every year on New Year’s Eve, my high school friends and I will gather together at one of our homes and celebrate together. For the longest time I can remember, we’ve always stepped into the new year together; this year was no different.

The only thing that changed was that I allowed myself to consume enough alcohol to feel that slight “high” you experience while intoxicated. Ever since I returned from my internship in Hong Kong three years prior, my alcohol consumption had significantly decreased; or more like alcohol really makes me feel sick. But yesterday I had let myself go. I had allowed myself to be able to drown my emotions in this alcoholic state. Don’t misunderstand, I was still able to comprehend and remember everything I did. But I was definitely able to let myself be free of my emotions.

Everything went as usual, we all woke up and had our first meal of 2016 together and each individually returned home. After unpacking my clothes, I decided to take a nap; after all, I did only sleep four hours the night before. To my surprise, I woke up in tears from what seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t remember many details but I distinctly remember him and I arguing.

The strong front I had put up the past two weeks in front of my friends finally crumbled and I couldn’t force myself to smile anymore. I’ve been telling my friends that I am OK, that I am finally free, and that we had finally established a mutual ground to stand on. But in reality, my heart still hurts and still yearns for the moments we spent together. My eyes still hopes to see more memories created.

This is the end.

And I am not OK.


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