If someone asks me: “Why are you so upset?”, I honestly wouldn’t know how to answer. The question is, why am I so upset? Or more so, why am I still upset?
Was it because we’ve talked about this four times and still had still resulted in the same outcome? Or is it because you said that it’s not like you don’t want to, but it’s because you can’t like me (what does that even mean anyway…). Is it because I had the opportunity to hold you, kiss you, and be held by you and now I don’t any more? Or is it because you said to me “friends are for life, that’s why I want us to be friends”.
Tears flowed down my cheeks as we spoke that night. I remember specifically telling myself that I wasn’t allowed to cry, but I did anyway. I had even encouraged myself in front of the mirror the night before, like how the main actress would in the movies. But unfortunately, at the end of our conversation, it didn’t include a hug and a kiss of happiness. Instead, I had allowed myself to dream a little longer, and agree to live in this week-long fantasy a little longer.
I had made him promise that after I leave, we could no longer stay the way we were. We weren’t allowed to call each other “baby”, “honey”, “sweetie”, or any pet name. I had to distance myself from him. I couldn’t let him be the one to pick me back up at the times when I am at my lowest any more; I had to learn to do that myself now.
I guess the reason why I’m still upset is because I know deep down inside, I will never stop loving him. Regardless of who else comes into my life, he’ll always be someone I love. At a young age of 23, I know how it might seem to other people: “You’re young, you’ll find someone else that you love more than him. The person just hasn’t showed up yet.”
But to be very honest, it’s almost 4 years since I’ve fallen in love with him, and the feelings are still as strong.