I choose to be happy

I haven’t written about you for a while… It’s as if I didn’t have anything else left that I could write that I haven’t written already. At first I started writing about you because it made me feel better, that I could tell someone, anyone about you – except you. I thought somehow, you’d figure out that after all these years, I still love you and a miracle will happen to allow you to realize that you are still loving me too. But now when I write, I don’t know what to feel, or how to feel, even.

Tomorrow marks one year since we started speaking to each other again. It also marks the one year anniversary of a milestone event that I will never forget – my baptism. It was the day I proclaimed out loud to the world that Christ is my Saviour and was baptised at Kitsilano Beach along with eight other people from my church community. I remember you posting on my Facebook post asking me why I never told you that I was getting baptised. I had replied that I did tell you, but even if you did remember amongst your busy life, it would’ve made no difference – it wasn’t like you could’ve witnessed it anyway. It annoys me how one of the greatest days of my life is also linked to one of my most painful memories. Being baptised should be a wonderful blessing; a memory that reminds me of how my life is nothing but God’s grace. But it also reminds me of how no matter what, God somehow leads me back to you.

I’ve done enough sulking and I’m tired of being sad. There are still days when my heart wrenches from having to accept the fact that we will never be what we were again. And it hurts time and time again when I’m reminded that some lucky woman will have the joy of waking up to see you every day. But I know there will be one day when God will show me why he placed you in my life and everything will make sense. And until that day comes, I’m choosing to be happy.